Today's Medicine: Imbolc

Happy Imbolc!

Do you feel it? The greening is coming, Mama Earth is shifting toward wakefulness. Spring may be some weeks away, but today the flame within Her heart is beginning to burn brighter. That flame lives within us and in the natural world all around us. I see it in the primroses blooming merrily amongst dormant lilacs and muted ferns, in the bulbs pushing their leaves through the detritus of dead leaves. I feel it in my heart, which sings whenever the Sun breaks through the constant rain and fog. The potential of new beginnings is gathering all around us and I twitch with impatience. I want to the warmth of Spring to be here NOW! The medicine that comes for me right now is a mixture of patience and anticipation, of being able to sit quietly and listening during these final weeks of Winter introspection, as well as learning how to harness that vibrant potential so that I can enliven my life and dreams. Today I will be planting some bulbs for late Spring blooming, make container candles with a friend for the coming year, and honor bright Brigid with writing letters and in my journal.  And tonight I will light candles and let the flickering flames bathe me in their warmth and energy. 

May these final days of Winter be restful and may moments of silence wash over us so that we may meet Spring with joy and a lighter heart!

Today's Medicine: Choices and Yearnings

The Morrow Tree - Mat Holmgren

Having a few hours to myself, with no-one in house but me, is a thing to be cherished. You'd think that I'd get more of that sort of thing, especially since I am not working outside of hearth and home. Yet I find myself savoring the quiet energy of snoozing dogs and cats almost as much as the cup of Crumpet Shoppe tea I am sipping.

Choice has been on my mind these days. And how often I avoid making decisions because it means taking one path over another and my perceived notion that I will miss out on something marvelous on the road not taken. Don't get me wrong, I love my life and most days I'm pretty connected with a deep sense of gratitude about my life. Much of the time I feel pretty confident about my choices and I'm at peace the consequences that come from them. Yet I do have my moments of doubt, or at least wondering what might have come from a different choice. When I visit a home with lovely antique furniture and NO CAT HAIR, I pause to notice the longing in my heart for the same in my own home. Reading travelogues often triggers a sense of yearning for the freedom to pick up and leave my life behind. The wicked glance from the laughing eyes of a stranger can make me pause and ponder my relationship with my beloved of twenty years. Each of these moments show me the hidden yearnings of my heart, as well as make me look at my life as it is now. How to accept and embrace the longing is becoming a daily practice for me.

So often I see choices as an either/or concept. These days they are all about how I want to shape the life I want to live. Do I want a fulfilling job or tend hearth and home full time? Do I want to tend the land and my childhood home or do I want to wander the country in an RV with my beloved? Do I want to put my time and energy into deepening my spiritual practices or explore new ones that resonate? When faced with these questions, all too often I dither, put off and tell myself that I'm "working on it." It's hard to separate out the heart of the matter from the brain that wants a clear cut answer. I'm fascinated how some decisions come easily and quickly and others take some sorting. I guess it just depends on where I am in the process. Sometimes I need time to consider the choice and really think about what would be best. Other times I need the time to find a way into peace with a choice that is not comfortable at the moment but necessary for the life I want to live. Basically, I need to talk myself into it because I'm really good at being obstinate for no really good reason, which really doesn't work so much anymore. But that's medicine for another day. 

I think there are several things that I need to remember when facing choices, especially difficult ones. One is that I don't have to face them alone. Not only do I have many loved ones that will lend their ears and share their thoughts, I have the support of my ancestors, guides and guardians. I may not hear always what I want to hear from them, but that's not their job anyway. Sometimes an outside perspective is super helpful in finding my way to the best choice. Second, in many cases it is rarely an either/or choice. Options usually abound and there are layers in any choice. Can I look at an either/or choice and see the gray areas? Doing this might help me find some movement when I feel stuck and unable to move forward. Third, remember what works, what tools have worked in the past when I've made choices that feel really hard. For me, this means making lists of options and possible outcomes, talking with trusted friends and family, doing divination and giving myself permission to have a hissy fit if it's needed. It's amazing how letting myself be angry and frustrated can move me toward acceptance and a good outcome. I highly recommend it. 

I also think it's super important to notice when yearnings come up and find ways, even small ways, to bring them forward into my life. If I want that house with no cat hair, maybe I need to bring forward a practice of vacuuming and sweeping more often than I do now, as well as choosing to have fewer cats next time around. If see photos of foreign lands that make my heart vibrate with happiness, perhaps I should get some to put in a place where I will see them every day. If that person with a wicked smile flirts with me, then I can flirt back and bring the giddy heart home to my beloved. Or keep it to myself and give a secret smile when he asks why I'm so happy. 

And with that, I think that I am off to make a card with one of my favorite quotes by the poet Rainer Maria Rilke. When faced with choices, and the confusion that comes with decisions making, it's helpful for me to remember these words: 

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

Today's Medicine: Creative expressions and helpful questions

Almost a year ago, I started a new way of living my life. My well of inspiration, desire and vitality was dry as a bone and I needed a big shift in perspective. So I quit my full time job at a women's health clinic and began a slow and steady renewal journey. It wasn't easy, it wasn't always a dream and it certainly forced me to examine my life choices in a very focused way. It was also soul-opening, revitalizing and filled with more contentment and satisfaction than I could have asked consciously asked for. And one of the first things I did was to make the above inspiration card, to remind me of how writing helps me to process, reflect and purge the brain buffer, so to speak.

My journals are private places for me to express my thoughts, vent my frustrations so that I don't harm others with my words and to be curious about my life and the world around me. I don't have a writing habit; I write as I feel inspired to do so. Or when I need to blow off some steam. Or when I need to flesh out an idea or delve deeper into a thought before I share it with others. I've often thought that a daily or weekly practice of writing would be helpful, rather like having a date with the part of myself I don't always connect fully with during my daily life. Since part of my renewal includes realigning my intentions and focus on what's truly important, I checked out the book The Life Organizer: Tips, Stories, & Prompts to Focus on Your Needs and Navigate Your Dreams by Jennifer Louden. The concept is different than a day-timer, that useful tool to keep track of all your appointments and reminders. It's a day book you create for your life. You set the pace, set the intentions, explore your desires and figure out what is or isn't working for you anymore. The book has questions, quotes and prompts that are sorted by week, as well as by subject/topic. I love the concept and have been working on mine so that I can begin on November 1st, which for me is the mark of a year of a new way of being in the world. I am curious to see how a weekly writing date works for me and I'm allowing my enthusiasm to guide me.

I also decided to take it another step. Since I sometimes feel a lack of creative expression in my life, and since I adore paper products with a passion undimmed since childhood, I decided to start a project of making inspiration cards for myself. If I find a question or quote that makes me laugh, pokes my heart, brings me to stillness or takes my breath away, I create a card with it. I will use these cards to bring me back to my center when I'm feeling stuck, burdened, overwhelmed or flat. This is today's card and I think it will bring some levity to when I feel a loss of gratitude for the blessings in my life.

*snort* Yes, indeed, I think that will do nicely. May we all be gentle with ourselves and others, and laugh fiercely at the absurdities in our lives.

Everyday Medicine: Ancestors

The sky is heavy today, feeding a melancholy mood. Earlier, I pondered an afternoon's raking of the never-ending leaves from the grandmother maple in the back yard, yet I was not inspired by this choice. I have been feeling restless, unable to settle into an activity for any length of time. I hate this mood of distraction. When it strikes, I feel completely unable to get anything accomplished. Even sitting and doing nothing feels off. So as I sat in my rocking chair, stuck in anxious indecision, I looked over to my ancestor altar. And it occurred to me that perhaps some active meditation is what I needed. And surely enough, it was.

There were two altars I wanted to make for All Hallows this year. One is dedicated to my ancestral and spiritual lineages and would involve setting up a more elaborate altar than my daily ancestral altar. The other is something different. I've been pondering doing specific altars for the blessed dead who inspire me, as a group or individuals. This year I wanted to do a separate altar honoring the women of the suffrage movement, both in the UK and US. This subject is very near and dear to my heart, so it seemed fitting to honor them during this time of the year. So that's what I worked on this afternoon.

These altars will be works in progress through All Hallows and a few days after. I did a bunch of work on them today and not-so-oddly-enough, I feel much more grounded and embodied. Crafting the collages helped channel some of my blocked creativity and creating the offerings helped settle my energy. I want to get some flowers for my ancestral altar and some lace to put around the edges of the collages. I will probably dig through my stickers and see what kind of late 19th century style art I can find to use as well. And this week, when I make my morning tea, I will be sure to make a proper cup for those women as well.

Sitting back, with a cup of peppermint and nettle tea, I realize that coming back to basics (like the blood that thrums through my veins and the reminders of the sacrifices made so I can live a life I want) is such an incredible gift. And as I type this, the sun breaks through and I see a hint of blue sky. Maybe doing some raking isn't out of the question after all. It is definitely easier to consider now that I have a lighter heart.

Today's Medicine: Just Do It

Since I'm not working at this time, I determined that I would really embrace the job of home and hearth tending. Since November, I've been slowly and surely finding out what that looks like. One of the things I've learned is that it can be overwhelming to think about all the cleaning, projects and organizing that I've let slide over the years. I don't think I've ever felt I had the time to consider how to be more efficient with cleaning. Or realized that no matter how organized I get, if I have a bunch of crap I don't need or want, I will still have to clean and care for it. It's liberating to be able to think about this and and find creative ways to start doing the work with satisfaction, if not outright joy.

At first I wasn't sure where to start and struggled with trying to do too many different things. Then I started asking myself questions that started with, "What would it look like if..." or "What would it feel like if..." For some reason this made me feel less fearful and more able to have an open heart to the process. I decided I'd make sure my kitchen was tidy before going to bed each night. Now, almost every morning I wake to a welcoming kitchen rather than a chore that needs tending before I even fully wake up. Small changes are lasting changes and all that. I also determined that it would go easier on me if I focused on hearth and home tending using the four directions and seasons. This means that during Winter I am working on my library/guest room and home office, which is in the North area of the house. I've had the library/guest room sorted for a while and have done a spectacular job avoiding my home office. For at least six months, perhaps longer, I've been boxing up various piles of clutter from different rooms in my house. These boxes have been piling up in a corner of my home office, waiting for me to get the gumption to finally sort through them. I've felt them looming in the shadows, like some dark and hairy formless being that you see out of the corner of your eye but won't look at directly just in case it's really there. For some reason my brain often chooses not see something that it's procrastinating about. Funny that.

Well tonight was the night that I put my big girl pants on and dove in. I'd managed to sort through a couple boxes before my trip to California, but that didn't make much of a dent in the pile. I'm always astonished at how much stuff I've accumulated over the days, months and years of my life. I decided beforehand I would have several boxes to sort things into, listed below:

1. Not sure why I'm keeping it but not ready to send it off quite yet
2. Paper of all sorts
3. Sacred objects and crafting supplies
4. Genealogy and family photos
5. Artwork and picture frames (I have a whole box of those to go through)
6. Stuff to be put away in it's proper place
7. The "Let it go, for God's sake!" pile
8. Box of notebooks and papers of a ritual/ceremonial/sacred sort that need to be consolidated

As of now, #4 is on the ancestor shelf in the bookcase in my home office. I'll have a paper sorting day in the near future in which I go through my desk and filing cabinet drawers and I'll deal with #2 then. Numbers 1, 3, and 5 are in my workroom, which is fairly chaotic right now and will be sorted sometime in Spring. I've put away the items in #6 and #7 is ready to be released to the wilds. Number 8 is patiently waiting next to my desk for my full attention. My trash and recycle cans are emptied. The fact that I can see the floor again pleases me to no end. It needs to be scrubbed in a serious way and I will tend to that tomorrow. I had already refreshed and moved some altars, so I've got goddesses watching over my shoulder. And it is good that it is so.

I just realized it's starting to feel like a sanctuary again. More work is to be done, like my genealogy projects, but I can do it with a lighter heart. The fact I know where things are again is a huge load off. And not having the hairy beast of Clutterdom lurking in the corner waiting to pounce is also a huge relief. Off now to tidy the kitchen, which shouldn't take long, and take a bath before sleeping. I wonder what dreams will come...

Today's Medicine: Open Heart

I started my morning much like every other morning in my life. I was awakened by a restless dog, who sensed the sunshine behind the blinds, and stumbled downstairs to let both canines out for their morning constitutional. Once inside, I fed them, started my oatmeal, set the tea kettle heating and sat down to read my e-mail and Facebook. I found the link below through a FB friend, and thought to myself, "That looks intriguing." I clicked and waited, not knowing that I was about to experience open heart surgery in a matter of minutes.

http://www.wemissyou.de/

Midway I started bawling. After, I sat, tears streaming down my face, even as they are now as I let the emotions evoked from this simple video wash over me. And the most amazing thing for me is how I laugh aloud, even as I cry like a wee babe. It's astonishing how joy can reveal itself.

When I was a child, I would cry like this whenever I saw a clear cut forestland near my home. I couldn't watch documentaries that showed whale's being slaughtered without falling apart from grief. I learned that I would be made fun of if I voiced my tree-hugger attitudes and felt so alone that I let that voice within grow quiet. As I've grown, I've become hardened to the suffering all around me, sometimes more so, sometimes less. It hurt to care too much. And in one moment, that all shifted, and I feel more free than I've felt in ages.

Humans can be so unaware of the life and beauty that is all around. We forget there is value in things that cannot be tamed, ignore that we too are part of the natural world and exploit or ridicule those who have a heart that beats in time with the wild ones, the seen and unseen. We shut away our longing for connection, for understanding, for love and healing. And this was a brutal and gentle reminder that my own heart has been shut away from the things I love about living on this beautiful Mother Earth.

The road back into joy is often not so joyful. But rediscovering my connection to the world around me, to the beauty of the natural world and it's lost human companions, is well worth any pain I feel along the way. My prayer for today? May my heart stay wide open, may my laughter ring with joy and may I remember that, as a wise friend once said, "It's better to be brave than safe."

Today's Medicine: Action

Wear your 'action pants' with pride and think "love." - from a Clive's Cats cartoon bookmark

Now for those who aren't in the know, in the United Kingdom "pants" refers to underpants. So what this is saying to me is "put your big girl knickers on with loving intention and get to it!" And these days, I need the not so gentle reminder to do so.

The last several years, Winter has become a rough ride for me and I find myself more prone to navel gazing and contemplation than during the heady green energy of Spring or the blazing energy of Summer. Autumn starts the slowing down process and I have been finding that come late November I am more than ready for the cranky weather of the Pacific Northwest to settle into freezing rains and maybe even a bit of snow. (Let's be honest, here: a LOT of snow.) I want to settle into a comfy chair with my journal, a book or a good movie and be a bit, well, fallow. I don't feel as much like creating (other than cookies), engaging with others in any sort of meaningful way becomes a real struggle and my motivation subsides to close to nil. Action is not exactly the first thing on my list, as I'm wholeheartedly practicing not doing something but just sitting there. And almost completely at peace when doing so.

Now before anyone suggests I am saying it's better to be busy than to take time to renew, please note that I am NOT saying that at all. I believe one of the primary purposes of Winter is to make us slow down a bit, to regroup and reassess where we are on our life journeys. Bad weather gives us permission to stay at home, spend time in solitude or with loved ones and perhaps even do something that brings us that enlivening energy: joy. We are being blessed with a sacred pause. And that pause is as necessary as our breath and the beating of our heart. It's that pause that allows us to gather our scattered selves so we can continue doing our work in the world.

And for me, that's where Action message comes in. I am coming up on three months without working outside my home, and that's been a blessing that I cannot begin to quantify. It has taken that long for me to begin to feel within a spark of joy, of creation and of generosity. My last job was one of the most rewarding jobs I have ever experienced, even if it drained my heart and soul to a breaking point. I learned a lot about myself, how I want to be of service to others and I don't ever regret the cost. Now, as Imbolc draws near and I begin to feel the stirring of creativity, of curiosity. I find I am willing to consider actions that before cost too much time/energy/effort or that I feared would leave my well within depleted. This contemplation of choices is altogether liberating, and a little frightening, and I'm doing my blessed best to keep my heart and mind open to the process.

Although Winter will not end until mid March, and we're sure to have many days of wet, chilly and windy weather ahead, I have to say I feel a hopeful optimism that has been decidedly absent for a very long time. I think I'll have to go shopping for new undergarments and see if I can find some with huge pink and red hearts on them. It is almost Valentine's Day, so there should be some options out there. And lord knows, I could use another tangible reminder of choosing to act with love in all things...

Today's Medicine: Impermanence

This week we experienced a full-on blast of Winter. Here in the Pacific Northwest, we don't get snow all that often and when we do, folk have a variety of responses. Some frolic in the falling flakes, some groan and grumple, while others start stocking up on foodstuffs like the end of the world is at hand. I am one of the folk who sit inside the warm and cozy house, watching the birds feed on the extra seed I put out for them or taking the dogs out for a romp. I could sit for hours watching the snow accumulate and the land become blanketed in white. It's a suggestion to me to slow down and enjoy a sacred pause, something I don't do often enough in my daily life.

Now that the rains have come, the great thaw begins. The tree branches are almost bare and the icicles are dripping back into liquid form. As I watch the snow drop from the trees with an audible "flumph," I am reminded that most things do not last. (The jury is still out on some processed foods out there.) It reminds me that that no matter what's going on in my life, positive or negative or somewhere in between, it too shall pass. Sometimes it's circumstances outside my control that shifts the frozen places within. Other times it's my conscious choices that shift me out of stasis into joyful action. And just to say it, even a mediocre action is okay, as long as it's action in some form. Joy doesn't care if the steps we take are grudging and small and reluctant, we reap the bounty just by taking them in the first place.

Today that choice involves sitting still, drinking a cuppa tea, and watching the rain come down. I expect we'll have more snowy days before Winter's end, and I'll enjoy them if they come. For now it's enough to take the gift of a sacred pause forward into the coming days and be grateful for what is NOW.

Today's Medicine: Gratitude

'Tis been a fair while since I last chose to post anything here. 2011 was a year of revelations that are still settling into my being. I have been wanting to get back to writing each day and now have the time to do so. I figured starting here was a good plan and I'll see where things go.

I used to do a Thankful Thursday quite regularly. Nothing too lengthy, just a short list of simple pleasures and abundances in my life. I got to thinking today about gratitude and how powerful a tool it can be for shifting perspective. A simple prayer of "thank you for my life" can motivate me to shift from a place of lack to a sense of abundance. Most of the time I think we focus so much on what we don't have, what we feel we need to feel whole and complete. I forget to pause and see the truth of my abundance.

It's not just that I'm grateful for having a roof over my head, food to eat, electricity and heat, good health, clothing and folk who love me as much as I love them. It's the fact I have a home that I love and enjoy on a daily basis. I have food that I LIKE to eat and have the means to go out occasionally and celebrate living with dear ones. I have a wood stove that brings the a sense of cozy solitude and mellow companionship. I can dance and walk and be aware that my health is impacted directly by my choices. I have clothing that I enjoy wearing and I have choices that allow me to decide how I want to armor myself or express my inner being. And I have folk (two and four legged) in my life who not only love me, but accept my quirks, help me learn how to communicate better and laugh lots. All of these things, and so many more, help me recognize the richness of my life. That's a whole lot of stuff to be grateful for.

So today, as I watch the snow shift into rain, I will be conscious of how gratitude shapes my perceptions. And be grateful that I don't have to be anywhere but here, in the now.

Today's Medicine: Clarity

Last week I had an astounding moment. I was re-hanging the hummingbird feeder in the back yard. (Yes we do have hummingbirds year round up here.) I've seen several over the past few weeks and since we've had freezing temperatures, I've kept an eye on the feeders to be sure they're not frozen. As I'm fiddling with the feeder, up zips this Anna's hummingbird. It hovers about a foot from my face. I freeze my arm mid-air and he begins to feed. A hummingbird. A foot from my face. For a good five minutes, which is an eternity when your holding your arm up and trying not to breathe too much. I've never seen one that close before, so I never knew just how vibrant a magenta the chest feathers are or how loud their wings really are as they hover to eat. It was amazing, it was humbling and I spent the rest of the week feeling truly blessed.

Fast forward to last evening. I had a moment clarity when I realized I wanted to have a more aesthetic approach to my life, particularly in regards to surrounding myself with functional and beautiful things. I want my life to feel as if I'm in a Pre-Raphaelite painting, full of jewel tones, richness and simplicity. I hunger for this in a way I cannot begin to express. It's a deep longing that I often set aside in the face of practicality, yet it cannot be completely suppressed. After all, my house is a perfect example, with each room having at least one wall of deep and vibrant color. I've started thinking of ways I can integrate more of this into my life, how I can begin expand into lushness.

The practical side of an aesthetic approach came through last night as well. I was in the kitchen tidying and realized that I really needed to wash the window. Never mind it was 9pm and I wasn't sure exactly how clean it was getting. It needed doing, I had the energy to do it and so it was done. I was surprised to see which items I removed from the windowsill, which serves as my kitchen altar most days. It now feels more spacious, more clear. Hanging above is a moss agate mobile and a stained glass multi-pointed star. Within the window stands a bee statue and a deep red Goddess vase, as well as the happy Buddha statue made from wood that was my grandmother's. It feels clearer. The kitchen feels like the sacred hearth and heart space of our home. I went to bed feeling accomplished just by doing that one small thing that I'd been putting off for a month.

What I wasn't prepared for was the sense of wonder that hit me upside the head first thing this morning. I toddled downstairs to put the kettle on and looked out the window. The greenness of the holly tree took my breath away. I had not really understood how cloudy and dirty that window had been until the light of day. I don't know how long I stood there gazing at the red berries and prickly leaves. Eventually I decided I'd best put the kettle on and maybe it would be a Good Thing(TM) to wash the window on the outside, as well as the sliding glass door. After a lovely cup of Crumpet Shop tea, I did so. After the morning's epiphany, I was even motivated to wash my car, Minerva. (Yes, in January. It had to be done.) Not only does she embody the idea that sometimes dreams do come true and should be cherished, she's one of my vehicles for movement in the world. And her windows were getting pretty blessed filthy. I feel better knowing that I'll be able to drive around for at least few days without the glare of lights on a dirty windscreen. And I'm sure the pedestrians and other vehicles will appreciate that as well.

If nothing else, I learned today that it's amazing how many details you can see when you pause to clean the lenses through which you see the world...

Today's Medicine: Potential

A new decade. A new year. A new day. Although the winter has frosted the world outside my window, the sun is shining brightly and hope lingers in the chill air. Why is it that January 1st always feels so hopeful? I guess it's because for many it symbolizes a clean slate, a new start and possibilities. As a culture, we've made this day a very powerful tool for change, even if it only lasts until the first celebration where chocolate butter cream frosting is involved. Then our hopes for a new life/self/body image is dashed by the reality that withholding and depriving isn't exactly the best use of change.

Years ago I worked with a woman who always followed her Greek heritage traditions during the New Year. The belief is that whatever you do on New Years day sets the tone for the rest of the year. She spent the days before January 1st cleaning house, tying up loose ends and making sure that New Years day could be spent in leisure, sleeping in and spending time with loved ones. After all, who wants to spend your year cleaning up other people's messes, not to mention your own?

As January 1st looms, I always consider this approach and I've modified it a bit to suit my desires. I did some cleaning this past week, mostly making sure that the house is somewhat tidy. I'm taking advantage of the collective energy of the day to bring moderation to the coming year: I had a leisurely lie-in with the kitties, but not too late. I'll be spending some time today doing spirit work, as well as hearth tending. A long bath is certainly on the menu. I also intend to clear out some clutter today, in the hopes that I will continue to learn the lesson of letting go in a gentle and more graceful way.

May the coming year and decade be as bright and shiny as the new day that dawned. May my life continue to be filled with as many blessings as I can handle, as well as enough puzzles to help me grow. May my heart continue to open and may my eyes see all the beauty that exists around me.

Today's Medicine: Stillness

Tonight is Winter Solstice, the longest night of the year and for the first time ever I feel the turning of the light within my skin, my bones. This is a new sensation for me and one that makes me pause in wonder. It also brings a desire to dance and laugh aloud. I can't explain why this year it feels different, yet there it is. It does. No need to fuss about the why of it, really. I'm just glad I feel that way.

I have also come to realize that the turning of the light truly feels to me like the New Year. I've tried to do New Year practices with Samhain in October or keep to the regular New Year celebrations on January 1st. I think that as I've become more aligned with the turning of the seasons, it makes more sense for me to place New Year here for me. It feels right. Will I feel the same next year? I hope so. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

My prayers for the longest night? May I allow myself to be still and listen this Winter. May I find a way toward healing those parts of myself that are stubbornly holding onto my old ways of being, ways that may no longer serve me. May I honor the journey instead of checking items off my to-do list. May I continue to open to the light that is all around me each day instead of dwelling on the shadows. May I continue to bring balance and kindness into my life and into the lives of those around me. And may there be much heart-filling loving, laughter and joy in the coming quiet months.

Although I did consider staying up to meet the dawn tomorrow, it won't happen. I wasn't sensible enough to plan ahead this year and ask for the day after Solstice off work, though I believe I will do so next year for sure. For now, I will be content with a cuppa tea, a burning fire in the woodstove, a fresh baked cookie chocolate chip and oatmeal cookie and stillness.

Today's Medicine: Compassion and Community

If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete. - Jack Kornfield

North – Earth – Building Compassion and Community

Last night, I had people over for a Fire ceremony, where they had an opportunity put into the fire something they were ready to release. I find that the people who come are exactly the ones who are supposed to be there and this time was no different. It was an intimate ceremony and by the end of the evening there was such a sense of lightness, and although I could say that was mostly due to the home-made hot chocolate we had after, I know otherwise. It was because of the lowering of barriers and softness of heart that we gifted one another. And for this I am really grateful.

I bring this up because I often view myself as a community-phobic person. I am solitary by nature, not often joining in large groups for ceremony or ritual, preferring to work in smaller groups or alone. I don't like drama, and I don't mean the theatrical kind either. I don't like the struggles for dominance, power and attention that I've experienced in many larger group settings. It's only been in the last couple years that I have participated in community events that actually feel healthy to me, and this thrills me beyond words. I truly believe in this quote, which I found not too long ago:

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. - Jane Howard

This is so very true! The funny thing is that it took me finding a community to make me realize how much I missed not having one in the first place. Community to me provides not only a safe place for me to let it all hang out (and let me tell you, it's not all pretty!), it also makes me accountable. If I invite others to join in a Fire or Despacho ceremony, then I'd better follow through on it. It's also a good way for me to check in with myself about how I am viewed by the others around me. Having that pool for reflection is a Really Good Thing (tm). Especially when I really don't want to look at those shadowy bits of myself, it's good to have people in my life that make me peek at them every so often.

One of the other questions from Trauma Stewardship is really helpful as well: Ask yourself what your ancestors and those who raised you have done, throughout time, to heal themselves and others. When they experienced trauma, how did they go on? I found this helpful because it reminds me that I do indeed have allies who want to see me do more than just survive: they want me to thrive. And they are there for me to call on whenever I feel at a loss with how to work through something. I'm never, EVER, alone. Maybe I should have that tattooed on my arm; it might help me remember it better.

The North also reminds me the power of compassion. I realized this week that I truly ought to focus first and foremost on having compassion for myself. After all, if I judge myself harshly, I am more likely to judge others the same way. I have a bad habit of setting huge expectations of myself and of others, and this really does me no good. It's not a competition, for goodness sake! Everybody is living their lives the best that they can. Everyone suffers. If you are living, you are exposed to suffering. And it's really not my job to point out to others that their whinging on about their lives doesn't really make their lives any better. I can only monitor my own whinging and my actions upon said whinging. (I love that word, whinge. What can I say, I like odd words.)

I guess all I'm saying is that if I can't be kind to myself, how can I be kind to others? And maybe, just maybe, if I practice it often, I can show others that kindness isn't all that bad after all. Lord knows the world would be a better place if more of it was being actively practiced...

Today's Medicine: Gratitude

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” — Albert Schweitzer

Today I am truly grateful for:

... my kitty Imp, who insists I just be still. All she requires of me is a warm lap and a few moments of being present to the moment. I cherish this, even though I complain often about her timing and the level of her insistence.

... really good chocolate. It can come in many ways, be it bar, cookie or hot sipping. This small decadence is sometimes all I need to bring rightness back into my world.

... reall good tea, for the same reasons as chocolate.

... long conversations with loved ones. The best ones include a pot of tea, much laughter, wry kvetching, deep philosophising and an equal exchange of energy. I'm often humbled by the fact that I have people in my life who provide not only support but a loving mirror of my shadow sides.

... the birds outside my back porch. When I watch them flit and feed, I am completely absorbed by the scene before me. It is balm to my spirit to have them share my home.

... tending to hearth and home, so that it feels like a sanctuary for myself and others. Although some days it feels like the chore list never ends, when I take time to be fully engaged with hearth tending I realize that it's nourishing my soul in some mysterious way I cannot explain.

All these things, and more, enrich and enliven my life. And I need to remember to take a moment to reflect and honor the blessings all around me...

Today's Medicine: Expansion

Make me sweet again fragrant and fresh and wild and thankful for any small event
~Rumi~

West - Creating a Space for Inquiry

For me, West is a place of reflection, a place to begin to pause and take a long look at what my life has become. It's a liminal space that leads to letting go of that which no longer serves me. Turning towards the West, I ask myself what shadows do I cling to, what brings me wholeness and joy? And is what I'm doing working for me? It's also a place to reflect on endings in life and how I am working with the reality that my physical form has an expiration date.

One of my favorite sayings is printed on a banner in my living room:

In the end, what matters most is
How well did you live?
How well did you love?
And how well did you learn to let go?

It pairs well with the something I got from a presentation for class this year. It's on my fridge:

If it works,
do more of it.

If it worked once,
do it again.

If it doesn't work,
do something else.

Both these sayings are blessedly simple and to the point. Not a lot of wishy-washyness in there, really. And I need the "in-your-face" reminder that sometimes I don't need to make things as complicated as all that. They also both fit in nicely with sitting in the West, where I reflect on my past, be in the present and muse on the future. I need that reflection right now. The the days before Winter Solstice bring me closer to the Void, that space of deep inquiry that I don't often choose to visit.

I will be spending the coming week getting more in touch with the silence within, the wisdom that can only come with dreamings and non-intellectual ways of being. I will give myself the gift of solitude if I wish it. I will walk at least a couple times this week, letting the rain pour down all over me. I will choose to journal with my shadows in the light of candles burning brightly and bring forth my hopes for the coming of the light.

Today's Medicine: Change

And the day came

when the risk to remain tight in a bud

was more painful

than the risk it took to blossom.

- Anais Nin

South - Fire - Choosing our Focus

I was thinking today about the power of resistance and avoidance and how both are completely tied in with where I focus my time, energy, emotional and spiritual resources. I tend to be a bit on the stubborn side, and although some of the more kinder folk might say I'm persistent or determined, the truth is pretty clear. My stubbornness is a tool I've used to keep myself from being influenced or manipulated by others and it's served me well enough over the years. HOWEVER, I have to take a closer look now and make a choice of whether or not this stubbornness truly serves me. If I take a hard look at the situations I get stubborn about, I often see that it is directly related my resistance of some action that needs to be taken. It is also often linked to my desire to avoid a situation or task that needs doing. Neither of these behavior patterns are the healthiest and realistically I'm the only one who can change them.

I guess I'd best break out my tool box and see what might be helpful:

Re-framing. How can I shift my perception around so that I can see a different perspective on the situation? What needs to happen so that I can loosen my grip on stubborn self-righteousness so that I can shift the energy toward something more fruitful? I am reminded that in order to re-frame things, I need to drop the ego down a couple notches. It's difficult to re-frame my view of the world if I'm focused on being right, being in control or being insistent that there is no other way to see things.

Create Compassion. I need to be able to soften the hard edges so that I can be kind to myself and others. It doesn't do me any good to beat myself (or anyone else) up for not being "enough." I need the reminder that everyone is a spiritual being having a human experience. There isn't much that's going to change that reality during this turn of the Wheel, so why struggle with it all the time? I'm going to make mistakes and I'm going to learn from them. Sometimes I have to make the same mistake more than once in order to really figure something out. It doesn't make me stupid, it just takes a while for the lesson to absorb into my psyche. I know that once I get it, I GET it and that's what matters.

Choice. I have free will, I have the ability to choose my way in the world. I also need the reminder that choice is very seldom good or bad, right or wrong, one thing versus something else. Black and white are not the colors of my life: I live in the misty gray areas along the fringes of things, so why insist that it's otherwise? I can choose to be negative, to be apathetic, to be world-weary and cynical. I can choose activities that support those beliefs. Or I can make different choices, ones that help me expand into the world rather than retract from it. I can choose to go to sleep at a time that allows my body the right amount of rest and dreamings, or eat foods that make me feel more alive rather than sluggish. I need to remember that choices lead to changes and that change is life's only constant. The more fluid and resilient I can be, the better I'll be able to manage the unpredictable nature of daily living.

I think I will focus this week on the proper care and feeding of my body and soul. I will do those things which make me happy, as well think on and sort out some of the things that make me feel prickly and small. Not the easiest task in the world and not the hardest either. It will be interesting to see how things stand when I turn to the West next week...

Thankful Thursday

Think Like a Tree

by Karen I. Shragg

Soak up the sun

Affirm life's magic

Be graceful in the wind

Stand tall after a storm

Feel refreshed after it rains

Grow strong without notice

Be prepared for each season

Provide shelter to strangers

Hang tough through a cold spell

Emerge renewed at the first signs of spring

Stay deeply rooted while reaching for the sky

Be still long enough to

hear your own leaves rustling.

http://www.spiritoftrees.org/poetry/tree_poems.html.

This poem reminded me that I've not done my weekly gratitude posts in a very long time, a practice which often helped alleviate some of the heaviness that I collect during my daily living. And since every day is indeed a new day, I begin to practice again.

Today I'm incredibly grateful for my ongoing good health. I'm grateful that I have a home that is a sanctuary for myself and others and that I have learned that hearth tending is healing instead of yet another task that needs doing each day. I'm grateful that I don't always feel that my life is nothing but a lesson in endurance. I am grateful for those who have gone before, clearing the path for me to walk or dance as I see fit. This includes not only my living blood relatives and my blessed ancestors but the women who fought women's rights, the indigenous folk and traditions that honor the life around us all, the trees and mountains and other wonders of nature that continue to thrive despite humanity's effort to bend and break and consume. I am truly grateful for the folk who share my life, kindred in spirit, thought and feelings, be they blood relatives or chosen companions.

My life is always filled with blessings. It's up to me to be still, take a look around and listen for them falling all around me.

Today's Medicine: Action

Bring me all of your dreams, you dreamers,

Bring me all of your heart melodies

That I may wrap them in a blue cloud-cloth

Away from the too-rough fingers of the world.

-The Dream Keeper, Langston Hughes

I was given a book to read this quarter called "Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others," written by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky with Connie Burk. The quote above is from the cover of said book. It's a powerful and thought provoking book for anyone who works or lives in service to others. I highly recommend it. This week I started working actively with the ideas in the the section called Integrating The Five Directions into a daily practice.

Because my spiritual foundation is pagan in nature, I have different associations for the directions than what is discussed in Trauma Stewardship. I flowed with the differences, yet I kept coming up against the “it doesn’t feel right” thing and eventually I did some tweaking and managed to put them together in a way that resonated with me. I honor and respect the differences in the various traditions and this is how it makes sense for me:

East – Air – Finding Balance
South- Fire – Choosing Our Focus
West – Water – Creating a Space for Inquiry
North – Earth – Building Compassion and Community

I would add Spirit (as in Great Mystery, All That Is, God/ess) in the center with me as I find a daily practice for myself, alongside all the other helpful guides and guardians and ancestors that stand beside me.

It came to me during the Winter that was last week that I could create a ceremony to bring these concepts more into my life. I had a Yule log from last year’s tree and wanted to do something with Advent candles. Then it came to me that I should use the log with five advent candles, one for each direction and one for the center. For an hour each Sunday until Winter Solstice on the 21st, I would light a candle for each direction, consciously holding the intent of each direction for the duration of the hour. An example could be things like writing letters to friends or e-mails about community events, as well as journaling about how I’m doing with loving kindness for the North time period. Or writing about ceremony and how I’m going to incorporate balance into my life for the time allotted for the East. Optimally, I would give myself a half hour each day during the week of each direction to focus on how to bring that energy forward into my life. I know myself well enough to realize I may not do that, yet I’m hopeful that it will be so. I start today with the first direction:

East - Finding Balance

I like that gratitude is one path to balance. It’s too easy to focus on the negative and I know I fall into that trap more often than not these days. Taking that deep breath, feeling grateful that I can do so without too much trouble, allows me to see the blessings all around me. It is quite possibly the simplest way for me to banish the attitude of scarcity that plagues me during my worst moments. I know that the "attitude of gratitude" movement seems light and fluffy to many in our more sophisticated times, yet it simply works for me. Yes, I will most likely always feel a desire for more than I have. And yes, I am incredibly blessed for all the beings and wonders and delights in my life.

Another idea that is intriguing to me right now is dream work, especially as we move into the shorter days and longer nights. Looking back, I see that I’m less likely to daydream than ever before. Why is that? I decided to remedy this and I partook in one of my favorite idle day dreamings: I spent about forty-five minutes or so perusing http://www.savills.co.uk/, which lists properties for sale in the United Kingdom. I found a Scottish castle for sale for a measly 2.8 million pounds, not much eh? Yet the delight I had from looking at the photographs lifted my spirits, as I imagined what it would be like to live there. I had not realized until now how much I’ve shut off that type creativity, feeling that the dreaming was a “waste of my time.” As if! We all need a dream or two or fifty to cling to, especially in today’s world. So paying attention to my active dreaming and day dreams is a focus for me in the coming weeks.

Writing is another way for me to regain balance. I tend to process my challenges quietly, in that stoic Norwegian or English way of my ancestors. Only when I’ve reached a limit do I put on my crabby pants and go on a rampage. Yet I have not been writing much at all during the past several years. I have to wonder: is there is a correlation between my more frequent outbursts of irritation with the pettiness of the world and not using my writing to release? Most likely. A better question is how to shift my daily routine so that can allow time and energy to do the writing that is most definitely needed. And that is sure to be one of my main focuses during the coming week…

Today's Medicine: Every Day is a New Day

Stand up all you lovers in the world

Starting up a brand new day

-Brand New Day, Sting

And here I am again. I set my blog as my homepage many moons ago. Each day I open my browser and here it sits, patiently waiting for my return. There have been many moments of, "Oh! I should write that down!" or "I've got to post about this when I get home" over the past several months. Yet I allow myself to be distracted by e-mail, reading articles about Bigfoot on www.anomalist.com or I update my profile on Facebook. Other days, I feel utterly weary of all the unrelenting daily routine or worn out by having a really good day with friends and family and just need to take a long, hot bubble bath, followed by a nap with many cats. In any case, I have not given myself the space to write much of anything of note since Spring. My cup runneth over and mostly it's been a Really Good Thing(tm).

Maybe it's because the evenings are closing in earlier that I feel the draw to return to a regular musings on what each day brings. I also find that I am more apt to return to writing in the late Autumn and early Winter months. In any case, it feels good to sense an internal shift into self-reflection, self-adjustment and integrating the lessons of the past year. This Winter I hope to give myself the time I need to rest, to be in my body and listen to what it needs during the cold months and to process through the experiences this year has brought to me, for they have been many and rich gifts indeed!

I am grateful that the words are beginnng to flow again. I did not know how much I missed writing, tasting the words as they flowed from thought into form. The sensual feeling of a favorite pen between my fingers, the gliding of hand across paper and the clacking of my fingers across the keyboard are a forgotten delight. For me, writing is therapy. It's a way for me to see what's really going on in the shadowy depths of my brain and helps me to figure out why I react instead of respond or make the choices that I inevitably do. It's a creative process that brings great joy to my being. It's also a way to share with others, who might have a moment of, "Yeah, what she said" when reading my posts. Every once in a while it's nice to know that we're never, ever alone and that we all have ways to connect and relate to one another.

So today I'm celebrating my return to writing. I'm not entirely certain I will be writing daily, weekly, sporadically or even by the moon. I do know I'm more likely than not to write regularly, usually posting the thoughts and blessings and challenges that I face throughout my daily living. The other options are to either delete this blog, which is not something I'm ready to do yet, or change my blessed homepage so I'm not constantly reminded of what would really help me live the life I want to live...

Today's Medicine: Forgiveness

I used to have a terrible relationship with the word “forgiveness.” I used to think it was all about justifying bad behavior and that if I forgave someone, including myself, then there were no consequences, no recognition of wrongs done to me or others. It was like saying, “It’s OK you hurt me like hell. You’re free to live your life without considering the havoc you wreaked in my life. Go along now, it will all be just fine.” It felt like I was giving permission to be harmed again. And I am SO not into that.

I realize now that I can work with forgiveness much easier now that I shifted the energy to include acceptance. I don’t need the other person to accept that they did wrong by me, although I’ll take it gratefully when it happens. I needed to accept that something happened, that I was harmed or did harm to another, and make my peace with that. If that means I say I’m sorry and do what I can to take responsibility for my part in the situation, I try my hardest to do so. If I sit and stew on what wrongs were done to me then I’m kind of stuck. And we all know what happens when things stay stuck too long- it hurts like hell when things start moving again. It eventually feels good to release that pain that I’m holding so tight- it’s MY pain and nobody can make me give it up!! And yet I’m often puzzled at how long I hold onto that pain and how exactly it’s serving me….