Wednesday, September 16, 2009


Life is change but certain constants provide
an anchor to steady ourselves
in the turbulent waters of change.
Take solace in the rising and setting of the sun
and create the constancy you crave.

I greeted my day with this thought from my daily quote calendar. All the cards I drew today were about prayer, forgiveness, stepping back and considering before making decisions and choosing to live in alignment with Spirit. That last one kicks me in the butt on a regular basis. I'm almost positive that I've got the best in mind for myself at any given moment. And yet there are days when the divine discontent strikes me fast and hard. The aching and longing for something more than the life that I'm living. I often assuage that feeling in a variety of ways, from shoving it deep beneath the scramblings of my daily life to transcending it with ceremony and being with nature. I am finding that another option is open to me: to sit with the paradox of being a spiritual being having a human experience. Rather than solving what I think is a "problem", I am choosing to detach from the drama, the struggle and just experiencing the feeling of conflict itself. And I'm always surprised that I didn't get ripped apart at the seams by just sitting with the feelings that come up instead of instantly trying to deal with them.

How does this relate to changes? A lot. Because in my heart of hearts I know that the only constant in this life is change, that being flexible and resilient is the only way for me live. Period. It doesn't mean that I always embrace change- quite the opposite, in fact. I have not altered my eating and exercise habits to more healthy ones, at least not to any major degree. Intellectually I know that it would be in my best interest to do walk every day, to do yoga and strengthening exercises, to meditate and choose to eat a balanced diet. Yet my inner self rebels against structures and routines, even when I "know" better. Is it a lack of discipline? Perhaps. It's certainly a paradox. And I have to wonder how much I can put off the understanding that the changes that are best for me are indeed in alignment with Spirit, that making these changes a part of my life will bring me an integration that will soothe that longing within.

I suppose I need to remember that for integration to happen, disintegration needs to occur first. I need to take my release of things that no longer serve me to another, deeper level. And to be honest, that scares the beejeesus out of me. So I suppose I ought to pull out that old mantra, the one I used when I was a teen and couldn't deal with the fragility of my emotions, the turbulence of things outside my control that threw my world topsy turvy. It should be familiar for anyone who has read the book Dune:

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.

And with a hopeful heart, I am on my way again. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings, even if it's a bucket of changes that I don't want to deal with...