I was overwhelmed today and had to consider why I was feeling such an influx of emotions. Once I recognized that I felt fearful of my future, I stopped and took a deep breath. Then I let it out, mostly because it's just not attractive to turn bright red and then blue due to lack of oxygen.
I considered why I was having such a strong and negative reaction to some unfortunate news. And I considered why I was so invested in creating stories which played out in confrontational ways. Fear was a driving factor: fear of my income based work becoming unstable, fear of having to deal with drama that is outside my control, fear that I'll be mistreated too. And hand in hand was Anger which stemmed from my strong sense of loyalty and fair play, even when I'm not directly involved in any situation. I realized that Anger came from feeling betrayed- I felt a fool for trusting that this job would be "so much different" than any other job. (It still is in a lot of ways but the shiny factor is now a bit tarnished.) It's funny how easy it is to fall back into old patterns: feeling responsible for situations that I am no way responsible for, feeling a strong empathy for a wronged friend and wanting to "help" the situation in whatever way possible when it really isn't about me at all! All these things came through today and all I can say is thank gods for Grace.
Grace helped remember that no, in fact, I'm NOT God. It helped me to stop long enough to consider that maybe I was overreacting just a wee tiny little bit. I was able to stop the stories in my head before they became full blown novels, complete with shouted recriminations and tragic endings. Grace also helped me unclench myself enough to thoroughly enjoy my afternoon with my aunt and look clearly at my emotional turbulence. Grace helps us see the beauty we love so that it can be what we do...
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