Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
but for the heart to conquer it.
-Rabindranath Tagore
Today I met with some of my heart family to finally gift one another with Solstice presents. Michele, Kat, Angelia, vanessa and I met at the Saffron Grill and proceeded to fill up on delicious food, delightful presents and an abundance of laughter. It felt so good to be out together, enjoying a meal and each other's company with equal relish. For me, it was what Yule is all about. I am so incredibly blessed by the people who I love and love me in return, even when I have my crabby pants on. I basked in Love's glory today and it was good.
Upon my return home, I discovered Littlefoot had become even weaker. She's having difficulty walking across the floor and seems very confused. Yet when I hold her, all she does is lean against me and gently purr. She doesn't seem to be suffering, just very, very tired. I'll be sleeping on the love seat tonight, with a candle next to my Bastet statue. It would be such a blessing if she was able to journey quietly on her own yet I know that may not be her choice. The Loss comes from knowing that a bit of my heart will go with her when she's gone. She's been with Paul and I from almost the very beginning of our relationship- in some sense she's our first adopted child. Almost seventeen years ago, this little furry kitten wandered into our life and growled at us. She was so feral that she'd growl at us while she ate. We had no idea she would not only live this long but thrive and in the end become an incredibly loving companion. She has lived a good life and I take comfort in knowing that. It doesn't quite dull the ache, though...
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Today's Medicine: Listening and Service
What a many layered day today. I was gifted with a strong sense of Service all day at work and it really helped me feel like what I was doing truly mattered. Not only what I did but how I did it made a big difference for people today. It is incredibly satisfying to be able to make someone's day go smoother and have them leave with a smile on their face. There were plenty of moments that I could have been quite a sourpuss about and yet I wasn't feeling that way at all. It was good. Listening came through several times today. I understand that I struggle with living outside my means. Intellectually I understand how this is not a pattern I wish to continue doing. Yet I could hardly wait to get off work so I could head out to Half Price Books "just to browse a bit," I told myself. Yet I felt uneasy about this choice, knowing I really don't need more books and in fact I'm clearing out more each day. It helps knowing that I have more than enough of everything I need in my life, even will power and even when I don't think I do. I recognize this itch to consume is based on some other lack in my life and I'm treating myself gently lightly. It's OK to want something, it's not OK to always have it and that sort of thing.
Instead of shopping, I came home. And discovered that the neighborhood cat, whom we've dubbed Creamsicle, was pounding on our back door as if the world was ending. I've not seen hear around for several weeks, maybe even a couple months. Having her behave so desperately made me wonder if she was all right. I put some food out for her and pet her only to discover she was skin and bones! She's not exactly a lightweight, or at least wasn't the last time I checked. We think she may have been locked in someone's garage or shed during the bad weather. After a bath (she was so flea-bitten that the water ran red) and some canned food and water, she's comfortably ensconced in our spare room. She's terribly weak and assuming she recovers we will be either integrating her into our household or finding another home for her. There is no way she's going back out into the world after this. This is the second time in the 8 years we've lived here that she's been in such poor condition. The first time involved an untreated chest abscess, which we took her to the vet for once we figured out her owners (if she has any) weren't going to do a darn thing. I'll see how she's doing tomorrow. We have a vet coming to ease Littlefoot into her next life Friday (she is declining more rapidly now and is hardly eating at all), so we may have her check out Creamsicle as well since she is here. I lit some incense on my Bastet altar tonight for both of them and it helps that I know She will be watching over her children...
Instead of shopping, I came home. And discovered that the neighborhood cat, whom we've dubbed Creamsicle, was pounding on our back door as if the world was ending. I've not seen hear around for several weeks, maybe even a couple months. Having her behave so desperately made me wonder if she was all right. I put some food out for her and pet her only to discover she was skin and bones! She's not exactly a lightweight, or at least wasn't the last time I checked. We think she may have been locked in someone's garage or shed during the bad weather. After a bath (she was so flea-bitten that the water ran red) and some canned food and water, she's comfortably ensconced in our spare room. She's terribly weak and assuming she recovers we will be either integrating her into our household or finding another home for her. There is no way she's going back out into the world after this. This is the second time in the 8 years we've lived here that she's been in such poor condition. The first time involved an untreated chest abscess, which we took her to the vet for once we figured out her owners (if she has any) weren't going to do a darn thing. I'll see how she's doing tomorrow. We have a vet coming to ease Littlefoot into her next life Friday (she is declining more rapidly now and is hardly eating at all), so we may have her check out Creamsicle as well since she is here. I lit some incense on my Bastet altar tonight for both of them and it helps that I know She will be watching over her children...
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Today's Medicine: Independence
Sacred Sunday is a fitting name for today: we had a substantial amount of sunshine, for the first time in a while. It was quite invigorating. It's been over a week since I drove my car, so my first order of business was to take a shovel to the slush and ice barrier to the entrance of our driveway. What a mess! I brought it down to a more manageable level and made my attempt to leave my cozy house to get some groceries and a couple gift items for my family. Success! It took me three times but I made it out the drive and I was on my way. It felt really good to drive around town, go to the library to pick up some local birding books and then head north to my father's house on Camano Island (We'd had to delay our Yule celebrations due to the dreadful weather.) The main roads were pretty darn clear, thank gods. And I got to thinking about how happy I was to putter down the road, listening to Mari Boine yoiking her heart out.
I know I'm an independent sort. I can be quite catlike if I put my mind to it and sometimes even when I don't. I'm not exactly contrary, at least I'm not much of the time. I just don't care for too many constraints on my time/energy/space/whatever. It sometimes conflicts with having an open heart and being in service to others. I've learned a bit about my need for Independence this month. Having Mother Nature put her foot down and keep most of our region in deep snow for a couple weeks has helped me remember how to go with the flow and not grip the idea of "I'm in control of this situation" so firmly. Today I recognized that my joyful feelings were directly tied to whether or not I felt I was free to do what I wanted. I've a sneaking suspicion that I'll get to revisit this lesson again more than once over the Winter season. Ah, the joys of learning opportunities...
I know I'm an independent sort. I can be quite catlike if I put my mind to it and sometimes even when I don't. I'm not exactly contrary, at least I'm not much of the time. I just don't care for too many constraints on my time/energy/space/whatever. It sometimes conflicts with having an open heart and being in service to others. I've learned a bit about my need for Independence this month. Having Mother Nature put her foot down and keep most of our region in deep snow for a couple weeks has helped me remember how to go with the flow and not grip the idea of "I'm in control of this situation" so firmly. Today I recognized that my joyful feelings were directly tied to whether or not I felt I was free to do what I wanted. I've a sneaking suspicion that I'll get to revisit this lesson again more than once over the Winter season. Ah, the joys of learning opportunities...
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Today's Medicine: Fallow Time
Due to dangerous road conditions I was unable to get to work today. This meant that I spent the day doing a few household chores and re-reading one of my fantasy favorites, the Redemption of Althalus by David Eddings. To be honest, wasn't a very satisfying sort of day. I know some days are like that and I accept that each day has it's blessings and challenges. I just don't like feeling of my day slipping through my fingers. So I remind myself not to fret, to just go with the flow and take care of the things I can take care of. No need to get in a tizzy fit about it, especially since I know those don't help so much.
Mostly I felt like I was in a fog, much like the weather outside. Kind of hazy, not really focused and a bit murky. Yesterday I dreamed of flying all over the place and that my toes kept getting tangled in telephone/power lines. And I had to avoid all the machines flying in the air with me. This morning I dreamed that our house was on a bluff that overlooked the ocean. In that ocean I saw a bunch of humpback whales cresting out of the water. Suddenly I realized that some of the whales were in fact orcas and there was one in particular that was as huge as my house. It was stunning and beautiful and I knew I had to find a way to climb the cliffside down to the beach to see them up close. Waking up from that sort of dream will make a person a bit hazy, I guess. Perhaps some good sleep tonight chase the cobwebs away...
Mostly I felt like I was in a fog, much like the weather outside. Kind of hazy, not really focused and a bit murky. Yesterday I dreamed of flying all over the place and that my toes kept getting tangled in telephone/power lines. And I had to avoid all the machines flying in the air with me. This morning I dreamed that our house was on a bluff that overlooked the ocean. In that ocean I saw a bunch of humpback whales cresting out of the water. Suddenly I realized that some of the whales were in fact orcas and there was one in particular that was as huge as my house. It was stunning and beautiful and I knew I had to find a way to climb the cliffside down to the beach to see them up close. Waking up from that sort of dream will make a person a bit hazy, I guess. Perhaps some good sleep tonight chase the cobwebs away...
Friday, December 26, 2008
Today's Medicine: Service
I've been reading Frank MacEowen's "The Celtic Way of Seeing: Meditations on the Irish Spirit Wheel" and reflecting on the connection between Sovereignty and Service. The concept that leadership is directly linked to how you serve those around you evokes a resounding 'Yes!" within my heart and mind. It's the difference between what some call the big "I" and the little "i." Because if you are truly serving others, there is no place for ego. And if you are a true leader, you have confidence but not overbearing pride in your abilities. I don't know if I'm saying that quite right, but as much of my life, these musings are a work in progress.
I have a reminder on my fridge that says: Service Is Not About Comfort. I heard the quote at one of the workshops held by Orion Foxwood at Pantheacon a couple years ago. It's true too. I always know when Service is coming up in my life. My ego starts wrestling with my observer self and it's often a toss up when it comes to the winner. Thank goodness my observer self usually prevails. Usually. I feel so blessed when Service comes easily and so small when I'm resisting. And boy can I resist it! It's funny, I can usually feel it in my body when I'm my heart, mind and action are in conflict with one another. There is a tightness in my chest and throat and I feel anxious and unsettled. Once I surrender to the path of the heart, allow the action support the feeling that I know to be true, my brain usually capitulates and it all goes well. And yet I still have those moments of resistance. And I wonder when I will allow that medicine to firmly take hold within so that I may bring it more fully into the world...
I have a reminder on my fridge that says: Service Is Not About Comfort. I heard the quote at one of the workshops held by Orion Foxwood at Pantheacon a couple years ago. It's true too. I always know when Service is coming up in my life. My ego starts wrestling with my observer self and it's often a toss up when it comes to the winner. Thank goodness my observer self usually prevails. Usually. I feel so blessed when Service comes easily and so small when I'm resisting. And boy can I resist it! It's funny, I can usually feel it in my body when I'm my heart, mind and action are in conflict with one another. There is a tightness in my chest and throat and I feel anxious and unsettled. Once I surrender to the path of the heart, allow the action support the feeling that I know to be true, my brain usually capitulates and it all goes well. And yet I still have those moments of resistance. And I wonder when I will allow that medicine to firmly take hold within so that I may bring it more fully into the world...
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Today's Medicine: Simple Joys
My life is so rich, so abundant with love, passion and joy. It has it's shadow places too, where doubt, cynicism, apathy and fear live. Yet I know the murky corners of my life do not define me, they are merely lessons to be learned and understandings to be known. The richness is balanced by the decay and I'm grateful that it is so.
Simple Joy means just that: taking joy in the simple things in life. It means that I don't choose to complicate a situation or dress it up. It means authentic joy that comes from the heart. It it experienced both actively and passively. I have a sense of joy when my kitchen is tidy and clean. Joy comes when I sit with a contented kitty on my lap. It comes when people smile after a warm cookie from the oven, a comforting cup of tea and a good conversation. It's that spark that ignites compassion within myself, towards myself and others. I am much more tender when I feel that joy.
When I'm out of balance with the world, with myself, I lose that Simple Joy. I start bitching about the little things in life that aren't going exactly as I planned. Everything takes on a shade of gray. I participate in bashing the world along with all the other unhappy people around me. And I'm so incredibly weary of my life. Simple Joy helps me face the shadow places within myself with grace and humor. It gives me a burst of energy to begin propelling myself out of that murky underground.
I gather my soul at the hearth-fires of Winter,
warmth of welcome upon my lips,
warmth of rest upon my hands,
warmth of nurture upon my being
May the souls of all beings
be wrapped in the warmth of night
till Winter's dawning.
-Caitlin Matthews, from Celtic Devotional
Simple Joy means just that: taking joy in the simple things in life. It means that I don't choose to complicate a situation or dress it up. It means authentic joy that comes from the heart. It it experienced both actively and passively. I have a sense of joy when my kitchen is tidy and clean. Joy comes when I sit with a contented kitty on my lap. It comes when people smile after a warm cookie from the oven, a comforting cup of tea and a good conversation. It's that spark that ignites compassion within myself, towards myself and others. I am much more tender when I feel that joy.
When I'm out of balance with the world, with myself, I lose that Simple Joy. I start bitching about the little things in life that aren't going exactly as I planned. Everything takes on a shade of gray. I participate in bashing the world along with all the other unhappy people around me. And I'm so incredibly weary of my life. Simple Joy helps me face the shadow places within myself with grace and humor. It gives me a burst of energy to begin propelling myself out of that murky underground.
I gather my soul at the hearth-fires of Winter,
warmth of welcome upon my lips,
warmth of rest upon my hands,
warmth of nurture upon my being
May the souls of all beings
be wrapped in the warmth of night
till Winter's dawning.
-Caitlin Matthews, from Celtic Devotional
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