Today's Medicine: Renewal

Live each day as if your life had just begun. -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it. - Henry David Thoreau

By the end of yesterday, I felt flattened. I know it had a lot to do with less than optimal sleep levels the night before and the fact that as I'm getting older my hormones are getting a bit wonky. Having never experienced PMS before now, I'm really sympathetic towards the women who experience it every single month since puberty. It's really not pleasant.

Today I am pleasantly surprised at how good I feel. Some of it has to do with lots of sweet kitty love, a really good cup of tea and getting almost 12 hours of sleep. My dreams have been interesting too, which has been helpful. My paternal grandparents have shown up in some way four nights out of seven this week, which tells me that I'd better get off my butt and do some journey work. Most likely I'll be doing that tomorrow since I'll have the house to myself.

The picture above is one of my favorites by the artist. For me, Renewal isn't just about getting enough sleep or doing medicine work or solitude. It's also about making things new again, as in cleaning my house, new books and projects. Renewal is a stepping away from the busy-ness of my life and allowing space so that I can allow those parts of me that feel squashed to expand a bit. In one of my dreams I pulled out a bag that had my blessing mixture in and I realized upon waking that I really need to make one of those. Renewal is integration work. It's about pulling the ravelled threads back into the pattern, soothing the rough edges of my spirit so that I can allow wholeness to enter into my life. All too often I forget that I don't have a spiritual life AND a work life AND a family life. What it comes down to is this: I have a LIFE. And Renewal helps me to remember that.

Yesterday's Medicine: Gratitude and Humility

After work yesterday I was so bloody tired that all I managed to do was eat some dinner, take a bath and drift off to sleep. And I am truly grateful that I am able to do so.

Gratitude decided to club me on the head yesterday afternoon. It went something like this:

Walking back to my car, I saw him. He was crouched over a bag next to a public trash can, right in front of where I was parked. He appeared to try and make himself as small as possible, to be as unobtrusive as he could to passerby. I watched him pause as I got into my car and then he poked through the bag at his feet, looking to see what else was still edible. With a sick twist of my stomach, I realized he had just dug that bag out of the trash can and was eating the left overs from someone else's lunch. It's been a very long time since I witnessed something like this. And I debated what I would do, what I could do, to help his situation. As he got another bag out of the trash and started eating the ends of some sort of salad, I approached him. I asked him if he wanted a yogurt, and he brusquely said "Yes." I gave him the option of lemon or vanilla and he took the lemon, without thanks. This didn't bother me, because I could sense his discomfort with the situation. He didn't even meet my eyes. As I drove off, I gently reminded myself that sometimes you do what you can do, even if you feel you ought to be doing more. I hope that man finds what he needs in this life. And that occasionally people stop to see the suffering around them and maybe do something about it...

Then I went back to work and finished my day. I am so grateful I can have healthy food, that I have a home with loved ones, that my life DOES NOT SUCK. Even when it's difficult and troubling, it does not suck. And that is really the most important thing I can remember.

Today's Medicine: Time for Reflection

I read this poem on http://zenamoon.typepad.com/ today and it seems to suit my mood quite well.

God speaks to each of us as he makes us;
then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.
Flare up like flame
and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you:
beauty and terror.
Just keep going,
no feeling is final.
Don’t let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.

Rainer Maria Rilke

I took a weeks break from writing my musings on the medicines which come in to my life each day. It was a well needed respite and I spent much of it immersed in the world of Harry Potter. I re-read all seven books and was reminded again of how much I absotively love them. They help me remember that it's important to choose to do what's right instead of what is easy, that words do indeed have power and must be spoken with care. They also awaken a deep longing for a world to which I can truly belong. This longing has been in place since childhood, when I would imagine I as a fairy or a princess or a warrior maid. The longing reminds me that no matter how much I feel I don't belong in this time or place, I am a part of this world and there really is no need to separate from it as much as I feel I need to. It brings into sharp relief how I try to "balance" my spiritual and physical and emotional lives, when in fact they are all the same thing. These are not exactly comfortable reflections, yet they are necessary.

I embrace the longing because it calls me home. I embrace my body because my body is more than a reflection of my inner self- it is the physical manifestation of WHO I AM during this lifetime. I embrace my spiritual path, no matter where it meanders, because it helps me learn about myself, the world and brings me great joy. And so it goes...

Today's Medicine: Stillness

Our greatest danger in life
is in permitting the urgent
to crowd out the important.
-Oliver Wendell Holmes

How fitting that this is the quote for the day. I've been feeling restless and unfocused the past two days, while my nights are filled with dreamings. I find myself longing for a few days to Be Still and Listen. I expect that pattern may continue for a while and I need to remember to not struggle with the flow but relax and move with it. Not exactly new information here either.. :)

Today's Medicine: Listening

I've been fretting about finances lately. So what happens? The Universe provides me with a few extra days at work to help out. I laughed to myself when my boss asked me if I would work this weekend and again in February, with the possibility of a few more shifts in the coming week if my co-worker hasn't returned to work. It should give me enough of a buffer so that I won't be fretting about going to Pantheacon next month. Woot for synchronicity!

I did some ancestor work on my lunch break and that felt good. I've been mapping out my lineage on a medicine wheel and it's been interesting to see what falls out where. My father's paternal lineage is placed in the North, while my mother's maternal lineage is in the West. I thought back in June that my mother's paternal lineage would be in the East and my father's maternal lineage would be in the South but they've switched. Once I start working with those lineages I'll have more of an idea. It's just interesting to see how things have shifted, both within and without, in the past 7 months. I'm enjoying the work and I have some ideas on what I need to do before my next intensive, which will likely be in May. Funny that I'm feeling drawn to work with my father's maternal line, when his mother was born in May...

Everyday Medicine: Calm

I love days filled with mist and shadow. Looking out over the flooded Snohomish Valley and seeing the mist rise from the water was creepy and awe inspiring. I love the days that feel in-between and today was one. Life is good. One of my Yule presents for my family was the Cookie of the Month club, so today I delivered Double Chocolate Mint cookies to my parents and brother. I do believe they were much appreciated by all. It was good to talk with them for a bit and it will be fun to do it for them throughout the year.

I missed posting last night because I was spending time with a friend and I didn't feel up to posting once we did a Fire ceremony and I drove her home. It feels good to come to terms with feeling awkward about not keeping up by posting each and every day. I feel really good about staying with the daily posting for almost a month with very few non-posting days. It's funny how much I needed to prove to myself that I can indeed stick with something that is important to me. You'd think that I'd have learned that one by now. *snort* Ah, the joys of learning.

Calm was the focus for the day. I pulled a Brian Froud Faery card and it was all about being thankful for those who who challenge us by their meddling and "I know what's best, here let me help!" attitudes. It may not happen often, but sometimes they are spot on with their observations and what they do or say is exactly what I need to receive. I am fully aware that I have that same meddling tendency as well- in abundance, in fact. I can only hope that most of the time my observer self can get the invisible duct tape over my mouth before I well and truly step in it. For the most part, it's been a very calm and cheerful sort of day and I'm looking forward to some down time this evening. No matter what, it will be delightful, whether it's watching Star Trek: Voyager with Paul or reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire while taking a long soak or something else entirely.

Everyday Medicine: Opening to the Moment

Nothing is impossible to a willing heart. - John Heywood

It was a good day. I found some things I needed, restrained myself from splurging too much, spent some time at the spa taking care of my body and spirit and had a long overdue visit with a dear friend. I tried new foods and embraced the opportunity to be social when all I really wanted to do was stay home. Got to love those mixed blessings.

I don't really have much more to say right now so I'm going to embrace silence and hie myself off to bed early. The cats would like that...